Viper Venom

 

I'm sure you are all like "why the heck did she title this post Viper Venom" or "this is weird" and I can assure you that yes, this is weird.

 

I got a random call from my reproductive endocrinologist (read: fertility doc) on Saturday. He was calling with 'good news'. Some of my recent bloodwork indicates that I am positive for lupus anticoagulants. He is referring me to a hematologist for further investigation, but he seems pretty convinced my last miscarriage is a result of this issue and is positive that with treatment our pregnancy woes could finally be solved.

 

This is certainly good news but as I have learned, with every good comes some bad.

 

Bad #1 is that the hematologists (read: blood docs) in this town are busy people and getting an appointment can take a while. Great. More waiting, more testing, more uncertainty.

Awesome.

 

Bad #2 is that I googled Lupus Anticoagulant treatment. It involves daily injections of Heparin.

Fuck me.  

 

I bet you are still wondering about why the post name is Viper Venom.

To test for 'lupus anticoagulant', the lab actually mixes your blood with viper venom.

Legit viper venom.

See, I told you this was weird.

 

What is lupus anticoagulant?

Long story short, it causes your blood to over clot.

In terms of pregnancy, tiny clots block the placenta from attaching to the uterine wall which causes miscarriages.

 

WTF.

Seriously, WTF.

 

I had a good long cry about it last night.

Then I woke up today and decided there is no point in being sad about it.

Instead of focusing on the negatives in this situation, I should really be grateful for the positives.

 

Positive #1 - I'm lucky we've discovered this clotting issue and avoided scary things like strokes.

 

Positive #2 - I stand a really good chance of having a successful pregnancy with treatment, even if said treatment means I have to give myself needles every day.

 

Positive #3 - Wine makes waiting for a hematology consult a whole lot better.

 

Actually,wine makes everything a whole lot better.

 

 

The Worst Week of my Life

Ok here goes...

I was pregnant up until two Sundays ago. We were almost at the 'telling the world' stage until it all fell apart. 

It was a beautiful Saturday and I was feeling pretty good. 11.5 weeks pregnant and enjoying a day in Montreal with my sister and sister-in-law. I bought a cute little hat from Baby Gap,  and I looked for clothes for the body I anticipated to swell and grow as my little baby did. 

That night, after returning home from Montreal, I headed to my friend's ranch party. I met Simon and Quinn there as they had gone earlier in the day. It was a great day until I went to the washroom and saw blood. It wasn't a lot, but having gone through three other miscarriages, I knew this meant something was wrong. Simon kept assuring me spotting was normal and not to worry. But I knew. I knew this was going to end badly. 

And I was right. That night I woke up covered in blood. And it just kept coming. We called my parents at 3am to watch Quinn and went to the hospital. I was taken in right away and hooked up to an i.v. I ended up losing quite a lot of blood and at one point blacked out in the washroom and collapsed. 

The next morning I was taken to day surgery and had a D&C (dilation and curettage) which is a procedure to remove everything from the uterus. Everything went well, according to the doctors and nurses so I was sent home. Later that day I began to feel sick and feverish. By the time we went to bed my fever was pretty high so we called my parents again to care for Quinn so we could go to the hospital. 

This time we waited for five hours to be seen by a doctor, who didn't seem too worried about me even though I couldn't break the fever. We stayed at the hospital for almost twelve hours while I was hooked up to i.v. and antibiotics. The doctor suspected I had a bladder infection, so he prescribed me some antibiotics and sent me home. But by the time I got home, I was feeling worse than ever. I couldn't stop shaking and my temperature just kept rising. Simon went out to get my prescription filled and I decided to take a cool shower to try and break the fever. By the time Simon got home I was almost delirious with fever. I checked my temperature and it was 103.7. I told Simon to call an ambulance because I knew I was in trouble. Apparently at a fever of 104.5, internal organs start to shut down so I knew I needed help, fast. 

Fifteen minutes later, the ambulance arrived and we were on our way to the hospital again. I have never been so scared in my whole life. I remember thinking about dying and how I wanted so badly to live. I remember thinking about Quinn and how I was hell bent on making sure I was around to watch her grow and live her life. 

We arrived at the hospital and I was taken to observation right away. The doctor who had performed the d&c came to see me and was shocked at how sick I had gotten in such a short period of time. After several blood tests and cultures, they discovered that I had group A strep in my bloodstream. Just take a moment now to google that term. It will scare the pants off you, I guarantee. Essentially, I had a bloodstream infection, most likely contracted during surgery and things were looking pretty dicey. 

I stayed in observation for a while that night and then was admitted to the hospital. The first room I was assigned was a semi-private in the Mother/Baby unit. Seriously, how cruel is that? I had just lost my baby and had to lie there listening to all the freshly born babes crying. WTF? Needless to say we put up a stink and ended up being moved to a private room on another floor. 

I staying there from Monday to Friday last week and am I ever glad to be out of there. I'm home now but am hooked up to an i.v. pump that administers my antibiotics every eight hours. Every day I have to go to a clinic to have my i.v. antibiotics bag changed. Its a pain in the butt, but I only have another week of treatment. On the plus side, I get to carry around this sweet fanny pack...

I still can't believe all this happened. Thinking about the events of the past week, it just seems so surreal. As sad as it may sound, I find it hard to grieve the baby we lost because I am just so damn grateful to be alive. I am happy to be home, sleeping in my own bed beside my husband and not alone in a gross hospital room. I am happy to be be with my baby girl, watching her play and sing instead of being entertained with needles and blood pressure checks from the nurses. Bottom line I am just so happy to be here and so happy to have such an amazing family and awesome friends who love and support us. 

Pangs of sadness come and go, but overall I'm feeling just so grateful for the life I have. I know one day we'll be blessed with another baby, but I guess right now just wasn't our time. Right now I'm focusing on getting better and staying positive. 

Good things happen to those who wait, right? 

xo, Vicky 

Hypothyroid

It’s been a while since I posted and I really don’t have an excuse other than to say that life is good and I’ve been busy. Summer has finally started showing its face and we’ve been busy enjoying time outside in the sun. We also had a little road trip to Toronto this past weekend to visit family and had such a great time catching up and watching our kiddos play.
 

Anyways, I thought I’d catch you up on our, dare I say adventure, to having baby #2. Way back at the beginning of April, I had my hysterosonogram appointment and it went well. The procedure took all of one minute and in a lucky twist of fate, my doctor just happened to be on call to do it. When he had finished up, he asked when my follow-up appointment to review all the test results had been scheduled and I replied that it wasn’t until May. He then told me I was his last appointment of the day and that he’d review our results and give me a preliminary report right then and there. Score! As he was looking over our blood work results, he suddenly stopped and said, “I think I have good news for you. It looks like your problem may be your thyroid.” I knew my thyroid had been off before but I didn’t think it was ‘the’ reason I couldn’t maintain a pregnancy. The ‘normal’ range for TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) is between .03 and 3. Mine is 8. The higher the TSH, the lower your thyroid is. Confusing, right? Let me take a moment to explain.

 

Hypothyroidism is a condition when your thyroid gland doesn’t produce enough thyroid hormones. The pituitary gland produces a hormone called TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) that signals your thyroid gland to produce T3 and T4 hormones. When your body isn’t getting the necessary T3 and T4 hormones the pituitary gland needs to sends out high amounts of TSH to stimulate the thyroid gland. Clear as mud? During pregnancy, the embryo/fetus relies solely on the mother for thyroid hormones so the mother’s body needs to produce more than the usual amount of hormones to supply both herself and her baby. Women who have hypothyroidism and become pregnant run the risk of miscarriage, preterm labour, pre-eclampsia and birth defects. Yikes. 

 

My doctor suspects that my miscarriages were likely due to low thyroid and he wrote me a prescription for Synthroid 0.75mg. I’ll have my thyroid retested at my follow-up appointment to see if my thyroid is regulated at that dose of if it needs to be readjusted. I will need to take thyroid hormone replacement for the rest of my life. It’s not really a big deal; just one tiny blue pill every morning. I don’t want to get my hopes up but I can’t help but be excited for my follow-up on May 14^th. Mentally I’m ready to try again I just hope my body is physically ready too. 

 

While I try to stay positive about the whole thing, I find myself sometimes thinking ‘what if’. What if I hadn’t miscarried back in September? I would be getting ready to meet my new baby. I would be feeling my baby’s kicks. I would be folding tiny sleepers and packing my hospital bag. I know I shouldn’t live in a world of what ifs; that in the grand scheme of things it wasn’t my time for another baby, but I can’t help that my mind slips there from time to time. My doctor assures me that I’ll have another baby and that he’ll find a solution. I’m hopeful he will but in the meantime I’ll enjoy the baby I have; my sweet, mischievous, independent and lovely baby girl.

 

xo, Vicky

And so it begins...

Woah.
Our journey into the mysterious world of reproductive endocrinology has begun.

We had our first appointment with the fertility clinic today and it went well. The doctor we saw was sympathetic, informative and concise despite what ratemymd.com told us. He seemed genuinely interested in helping us and ordered a battery of tests for Simon and I. 

We both had a karyotype bloodtest today which will be sent off to the Children's Hospital for analysis. This test will determine if Simon or I are carriers of chromosonal abnormalities. Apparently the results for this test won't be back for 9 months (WTF). We could have paid $475 each to have our samples tested at a private lab but even if one of us had chromosonal issues there isn't much that could be done other than keep trying for a baby. Needless to say we went the free route on that one.

 We did however have to prepay $200 for a sperm analysis test. I nearly died laughing when the secretary told us the sperm collection date was booked for March 21st - Simon's birthday. If that isn't a birthday treat, I don't know what is! If you aren't aware of what I'm implying let's just say the appointment involves a room full of 'magazines' or possibly 'movies' and a cup. Poor guy.

Here's the rest of the game plan for my next cycle (next month):

Day 3-5

1) Baseline Ultrasound

2) Bloodtests for the following:

• Estradiol (estrogen produced by follicles)
• FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone - responsible for producing eggs)
• LH (Luteinizing Hormone - regulates menstrual cycle, triggers ovulation)
• Prolactin (associated with milk production, inhibits FSH and gonadatropic-releasing hormone - GnRH)
• TSH (Thryoid Stimulating Hormone)
• Testosterone
• DHEAS (steroid hormone produced by adrenal glands)

Day 6-12

1) Hysterosonogram  - a lovely ultrasound test that involves stirrups, speculums and catheters. Google it if you dare. Not looking forward to this procedure.

Day 21

1) Bloodtest to get progesterone levels

Bloodtests, stirrups, catheters, oh my!
xo, Vicky

RPL

I would like to start by first thanking our friends and family who have been so outrageously supportive and generous with their well-wishes over the past few weeks.

Knowing we have people in our corner rooting us on helps so much.

From the bottom of our hearts we thank you and love you all so dearly.

 

We have an appointment at the Ottawa Fertility Clinic on March 5th.

I read some reviews of the doctor we've been referred to and the comments are less than stellar. He's been described as cold, abrasive, unempathetic, always late and unprepared for appointments. Great... I suppose we'll be the judges of that when we meet him next month.

 

Pop quiz kids!

 

RPL stands for:

 

a) Ridiculously Perfect Lips

b) Rocket Plane Liftoff

c) Recurrent Pregnancy Loss

 

If you guessed a) Ridiculously Perfect Lips you are correct!

 

If only.

Unfortunately as most of you might have guessed, it stands for recurrent pregnancy loss.

Never in my life did I imagine this acronym would be part of my story, but there it is.

 

Recurrent pregnancy loss is defined as "the miscarriage of two or three consecutive pregnancies in the first or early second trimester."

 

Here are some stats: 

 

- 25% of all recognized pregnancies result in miscarriage

- Less than 5% of women will experience two consecutive miscarriages

- 1% will experience three or more

 

According to the patient fact sheet on recurrent miscarriage provided by the fertility center, here are the known causes of RPL:

 

1) Genetic/chromosonal causes

 

60% of early miscarriages are due to random chromosonal abnormality of the embryo. The odds of having three in a row is very rare.

 

Translocation is an inherited chromosonal abnormality that causes embryos to receive too much or too little genetic material.

 

The suggested treatment is pre-implantation genetic diagnosis and in vitro fertilization.

 

2) Hormonal abnormalities

 

Progesterone is a hormone that is essential for a healthy pregnancy. Low progesterone levels sometimes called a lutein phase defect, is a known cause of repeated miscarriages.

 

Treatments include ovulation induction, progesterone supplements or injections of human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG).

 

3) Metabolic abnormalities

 

Women with uncontrolled diabetes or polycystic ovarian syndrome have higher rates of miscarriage.

 

Treatment includes controlling blood sugars before conception

 

4) Uterine abnormalities

 

Approximately 10 - 15% of women with recurrent pregnancy losses have some form of uterine distortion.

Congenital uterine abnormalities include a double uterus, uterine septum and a uterus in which only on side is formed.

Asherman's syndrome (scar tissue in the uterine cavity), uterine fibroids and uterine polyps also can cause recurrent miscarriages.

Diagnostic screening tests include hysterosalpingogram, sonohysterography, ultrasound or hysteroscopy. Some of the conditions listed above can be surgically corrected.

5) Antiphospholipid Syndrome

3%-15% of recurrent miscarriages can be linked to antiphospholipid syndrome.

Antiphospholipid syndrome causes tiny blood clots to block the blood supply to the placenta and/or may interfere with the fertilized egg’s ability to implant in the lining of the uterus.

Treatment includes low dose aspirin and heparin.

6) Male factor

Abnormal integrity of sperm DNA can affect embryo development and increase miscarriage risk.

7) The scariest of all. Unexplained

No explanation is found in 50% - 75% of couples with recurrent pregnancy losses.

 

 

That last point is pretty scary. More like terrifying. I've read stories of women who have spent years miscarrying and are still without a baby in their arms. My heart aches for them. While my experience has been sad the biggest emotion I feel is frustration. I know I can have babies so why won't my body just cooperate and make another one?!

 

My hope is that further investigation and testing will find a reason and we'll be able to grow our little family. My fingers and toes are crossed!

 

"In all things it is better to hope than to despair"

- Goethe

 

Until my appointment in March my plan is to enjoy as much wine and other alcoholic beverages as I can. Any volunteers who wish to join me in my quest are welcome!

 

xo, Vicky

 

Roadblock

Well our journey to being a family of four hit yet another roadblock this past weekend. On Saturday I took a pregnancy test and it came back positive. According to my calculations I was about four weeks pregnant. Simon was so happy but I was hesitant to get excited. I knew that this wasn’t necessarily a sure thing given that we lost our last two pregnancies, but I was reassured by the pregnancy symptoms I was feeling. I had the tender boobs, the nausea, the headaches and the backache. With my last two pregnancies I didn’t have any symptoms at all so I was hopeful these were a sign that things were different this time. On Sunday I had really strong back pain on my left side and some occasional cramping. I tried to brush it off as normal but I think in the back of my mind I knew that something was wrong. The pain continued on Monday; so much so that I bought some heat pads to help with the pain. On Tuesday I was home with Quinn because her caregiver was sick. We had a great morning playing together but when I brought her up for her nap I felt a trickle ‘down there’. I immediately knew what was happening. I knew I was miscarrying again and three miscarriages in a row definitely means something is wrong.

 

Simon and I went to see my doctor yesterday. You remember I told you about her? Well, she and her office assistants fucked up again in my opinion. Pardon my language. When I’m standing in the waiting room with other patients sitting around I don’t want to be hit with “sorry for your loss”. Um, thanks? Do you think maybe I can just make a follow-up appointment? WTF? Maybe I’m being too harsh. Maybe I’m just looking for someone to blame; someone to vent my anger and frustrations on. Or maybe they can learn to use a little discretion? My doctor was no better. “Well at least you can get pregnant. You just can’t stay pregnant. You know some people would give anything to be pregnant for even an hour.” Seriously? I get that I’m lucky to have had Quinn. I completely agree. But when I have lost three pregnancies and am obviously upset and scared, how dare you say that. Would those women really want to be pregnant and miscarry? Probably fucking not.

 

I left the appointment with a handful of requisition forms for blood work, a follow-up appointment for a full physical, an appointment for an ultrasound to confirm I miscarried again and a referral to a fertility clinic.

 

I won’t lie. I’m scared. I’m scared of the unknown. I’m scared I may never have another baby. I’m scared I might be sick. I’m scared of how this will affect my relationship with my hubby. I’m scared that Quinn might not have a sibling. Bottom line – I’m scared shitless. But I am also hopeful. I’m hopeful that I will now be dealing with more compassionate and knowledgeable people at the fertility clinic. I’m hopeful they might figure out what is going on inside me and hopeful they can help us.

I suppose only time will tell.

On the bright side I can now have that glass of wine I’ve been wishing for and boy do I ever need it!

xo, Vicky

Nothing worth having comes easy...

Blissfully unaware.

That was me two years ago when we starting trying for a baby. We 'did it', got on with our lives and one day I decided to take a test. POSITIVE. We were so happy and are now completely in love with our little girl. So in love that at the end of the summer we started trying for a new little member to add to our family. Fast forward to present day and here I sit completely frustrated, upset and envious. Frustrated because the first time around it seemed so easy and this time it isn't. Upset because month after month I have either miscarried or just not gotten pregnant. And envious because it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Even stupid Kim Kardashian.
 

I miscarried early (around 4 weeks along) in both September and October. We held back in November so my cycle could regulate. December was a wasted month and now I sit and wait for the end of this month to find out if I'm pregnant. I've taken - no joke - 6 pregnancy tests in the past week. Each one gave me hope that I just might see a plus sign but each one just brings me more frustration and saddness.

 

My doctor has been pretty useless during this whole shitshow. No information, no additional testing, nothing. She had her receptionist call to tell I miscarried both times. She couldn't even pick up the phone to tell me. What if I had questions or needed some guidance? Oh right, because she doesn't get paid unless I make an appointment. Simon brought Quinn in for her 15 month checkup the other day and the receptionist was asking how I was doing with my pregnancy. She didn't even fucking remember she called me to tell me I miscarried. What kind of circus are they running over there?
 

Oh and the ultrasound technicians need a smack too. How about you read my file before happily coming into the room asking about how I'm feeling. How about you read the part of my file that tells you this visit is to see if I've miscarried everything and don't need a d/c procedure.

Bottom line - getting pregnant is frigging hard.
 It is completely mind consuming.
Do my boobs hurt for real or have I been groping them to check too much?
Am I feeling nausous or was that just the shawarma I just ate?
Do I have super human smell or is something legitimately rotting in the garbage?
TORTURE.

They say that positive thoughts bring positive outcomes but it is so fucking hard to stay positive when month after month is a disappointment. I should be glad that I was able to have one baby. I am. But it doesn't make the sting of a miscarriage any less harsh.

 

 I guess I'll just have to wait...

I just wish I could have a glass of wine or ten while I do.

xo, Vicky