Nothing worth having comes easy...

Blissfully unaware.

That was me two years ago when we starting trying for a baby. We 'did it', got on with our lives and one day I decided to take a test. POSITIVE. We were so happy and are now completely in love with our little girl. So in love that at the end of the summer we started trying for a new little member to add to our family. Fast forward to present day and here I sit completely frustrated, upset and envious. Frustrated because the first time around it seemed so easy and this time it isn't. Upset because month after month I have either miscarried or just not gotten pregnant. And envious because it seems like everyone I know is pregnant. Even stupid Kim Kardashian.
 

I miscarried early (around 4 weeks along) in both September and October. We held back in November so my cycle could regulate. December was a wasted month and now I sit and wait for the end of this month to find out if I'm pregnant. I've taken - no joke - 6 pregnancy tests in the past week. Each one gave me hope that I just might see a plus sign but each one just brings me more frustration and saddness.

 

My doctor has been pretty useless during this whole shitshow. No information, no additional testing, nothing. She had her receptionist call to tell I miscarried both times. She couldn't even pick up the phone to tell me. What if I had questions or needed some guidance? Oh right, because she doesn't get paid unless I make an appointment. Simon brought Quinn in for her 15 month checkup the other day and the receptionist was asking how I was doing with my pregnancy. She didn't even fucking remember she called me to tell me I miscarried. What kind of circus are they running over there?
 

Oh and the ultrasound technicians need a smack too. How about you read my file before happily coming into the room asking about how I'm feeling. How about you read the part of my file that tells you this visit is to see if I've miscarried everything and don't need a d/c procedure.

Bottom line - getting pregnant is frigging hard.
 It is completely mind consuming.
Do my boobs hurt for real or have I been groping them to check too much?
Am I feeling nausous or was that just the shawarma I just ate?
Do I have super human smell or is something legitimately rotting in the garbage?
TORTURE.

They say that positive thoughts bring positive outcomes but it is so fucking hard to stay positive when month after month is a disappointment. I should be glad that I was able to have one baby. I am. But it doesn't make the sting of a miscarriage any less harsh.

 

 I guess I'll just have to wait...

I just wish I could have a glass of wine or ten while I do.

xo, Vicky